Wednesday, June 1, 2011

I'm actually kind of smart...

I don't know why but I was not aware.  I always assumed it was some weird island with maybe a little straight or some island chain.  But it has recently become clear to me that Alaska is NOT an island.  I mean someone told me within the last couple months but I just couldn't wrap my brain around it.  I always thought it was like some bigger version of Hawaii but cold and more North.  Just chilling up there next to Washington state.  But I've had to face and accept the truth after seeing the map on the dashboard.  It shows Alaska is in fact connected to Canada.  While I've never been so I cannot attest to it's accuracy, I will have to trust the mapmakers.  I'm in no position to go and check the accuracy of their coordinates.  I am leaving open the theory that this is a huge conspiracy by the mapmakers to hide away Alaska and keep it as their private island just like they did when they named Iceland (tricky bastards...I'm on to you!)
But let's just pretend for one minute that this isn't a huge conspiracy. 
If, Alaska is in fact attached to Canada...well, I don't want it anymore.  I think we stole it *ahem* borrowed it.  We probably owe them an apology of sorts.  I'll send them a letter along with some Alaskan soil.

Dear Canada, I believe this belongs to you.  We have been in possession of it for a while now but it was totally an accident.  We didn't mean to steal your chunk of land.  We really didn't know it was attached to you, you can totally have it back.  By the way, you can have North Dakota too, that state just sounds lame.  Sincerely, your little brother America

P.S we kept the oil

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

In bad economic times...

I just want to say I knew talking bad about MJ would scare away the few people reading this.  But let's face it MJ is probably chilling some where watching my kid and having a dirty fantasy.  He may have been a great pop star (if you like that type of music) but he was just plain scary/weird.  Now onto today's subject matter:

When the economy gets tough and money gets tight I start to plan.  I'm sure I'm not alone in this ideas are probably a little different than the standard reaction.  I come up with get rich quick schemes...again not very unique.  Let me share a few of these gems with you:

1) Create a new drug using baby orajel and oregano, call it CrackaJuana.  Market it to cool 5th graders.  Use slogan "you know ju wanna try it!".  Can't possibly be an actual crime because neither substance is actually illegal.  Get all youth addicted = MONEY MONEY MONEY!

2)  Find cute girl (of legal age) willing to sell some sexual act on the Internet (i.e. first threesome), set it up with the bunny ranch to make it legal.  Put her on Ebay and take a 90% cut as agent fees etc.

3)  Become a paid hit man.  Require a 10,000 dollar down payment.  Find person I'm supposed to "hit" walk up and punch them...say this is from "person who paid me to hit them"...never collect the other 10k.  Always refer to the act as a "hit" as to avoid any confusion. 

So, as you can see these aren't normal...or maybe they are, hell the economy is shit.  So tonight when my father asked me to cut his hair so he could save some money, I came up with a more realistic idea.  I could cut people's hair (well buzz cut it) for half the price of the shop...not that I know what I'm doing but you get what you pay for dumb ass!

 BTW this post is lacking in cute wisdom from the 4 year I'll throw in this little nugget.  Tonight when I was going to get the buzzer thingy (umm clippers, maybe?) my son had just waken up from a nap and wanted me to sit with him.  I asked him if he wanted to help cut granddad's hair and he got extremely excited about this idea.  He ran into the kitchen, pulled out the tub from under the table and proceeded to sort through his playdoh toys before settling on the bright green playdoh scissors.  He proudly announced that he would be cutting granddad's hair with them :).  That is my kid <3

Monday, May 23, 2011

Even my kid knows:

My husband got some time off from him temporary position at ___ university and decided to come home to spend time with  us.  My schedule was not so nice during that time and it ended up with him hanging out with our son while I worked at various events.  The first day I woke up and left around 8:30 am while everyone else slept so snug in their beds.  They had some stuff to do around the house but after it was all done they were free to go out and do whatever they wanted....which usually means go to the park because that is FREE!  This time apparently it was not limited to the park because when I got home they were playing a new video game called "de blob"...not sure where the appeal is there but the two of them really enjoyed it, so I won't complain.  Then they told me all about their day.  First the dishwasher delivery people showed up 20 minutes earlier than quoted and didn't call like they said.  Then they went to the park for a little bit but they were hungry.  So they made their way to Chick-fil-a for lunch.  And while out daddy thought the game store was the next best place to go (and the whole reason for this post because my husband insisted that I blog about blame him). 
So they are in the game store looking at all the games and our four year old is pulling each one off the shelf going "this looks cool, this one is great" or "this one looks fun, it's cool".  He does this with almost every game in the store until they come to the Michael Jackson this is it or the experience or w/e it is called.  My son quickly puts it back on the shelf.  This causes my husband to be curious.  Said curiosity results in this:
Daddy:  Doesn't this one look cool?
Son:  No, Daddy
Daddy:  Why not?
Son:  It looks SCARY!

See people, even my four year old knows Michael Jackson is scary!

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Looking GOOD!

So my father has been begging me to use his electric razor and cut his hair.  And while when I was younger I would have jumped at this opportunity (mainly because I don't have the first idea how to use the thing and he would probably end up with zigzags or his name in his hair) but now that I'm older, making my father look like a fool just isn't as amusing as it once was.  I don't want to make him mad though, after all he is letting my son and myself stay with him until my husband gets a permanent job and we know where we will be living.  So, I keep telling him I'll do it "later".  Hopefully he doesn't catch on that later is never coming. 

So that story isn't very funny (at least it wasn't when I typed it) but it is important to what happened today.  Recently I did two things a) started a new job!  b) decided to go back to school.  Since the community college campus is close to my new job, I decided to buy my books and turn in my time sheet for work in one trip.  Now I'm sort of broke and my car is out of gas (with gas over $4 a gallon I'm not buying any anytime soon!) I asked my dad if he needed anything in the other county.  He decided he wanted to do some things over there so he agreed to drive us.  We're riding a long and my son is in the backseat making up jokes that only he finds amusing (example:  Granddad, what kind of flower jumps up in the water?  (granddad guesses "a waterlily") Answer:  A red flower.  *laughs hysterically at his joke while granddad and I stare at each other in confusion*).  We are in the front trying to make conversation and son is in the backseat trying to make his own conversation all the while shouting "why are you talking over me, stop talking over me".  We drive the 20-30 minutes to the college campus and buy the one book I need that they have and order the one that wasn't in and then head to my job's shop. 
We are driving down the road and my son in the backseat starts talking
"where are we going now?" 
I respond "to my work and then where ever granddad needs to go next." 
Granddad seeing we are pretty close to the barber shop jokingly adds "to get that haircut that your mom was supposed to give me."
4 year old says "why?"
I respond (since my 4 year old has a Beatles style haircut)  "cause granddad is starting to look like you!"
4 year old says "Oh okay, we're looking good!"
And while I must agree the haircut looks good on him...some how it just isn't a good fit for his 60+ year old granddad with receding hairline and grey/silver highlights.

My kid looks good and he knows it, boy am I in for trouble!

Friday, May 13, 2011


This is just a quick post:

When my son was almost three we took him to the VANS store and picked out a cool pair of new shoes.   They were slip-ons with white fading to grey outlines of flames.  My son's aunt and I deemed them the "badass" shoes.  That word sounds pretty awesome to almost three year olds apparently and soon every other word was "Badass".  Badass this and badass that and badass badass.  Soon it was an epidemic of badass around the house.  So we sat down and had a conversation about "grown-up words".  Now I must admit I started the "badass" situation but it was going too far.  So, I discussed the words that were reserved for grown-up use ONLY.  Then we talked about how "badass" was ok for his shoes but other than that he was never EVER to use the word.  OK...this was a conversation with an almost three year old.  I didn't expect it to sink in fast or maybe ever at all but I was determined to reiterate my point when needed.  Soon after the conversation, maybe several days or a week, my son and I were doing something.  I guess it was something pretty cool even though I don't recall but he looked up at me and said "mommy, you're like my shoes."  I was a little confused and probably just stared at him.  So he said again "Mommy, you are like my shoes!"  Again I was missing it and asked him what he said.  "you are like my shoes!"  Then I realized it..."I'm badass?" I asked...and it was answered with a resounding "YES!"  My almost three year old had made his first simile and I'm totally to blame...but remember I'm BADASS!

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Poor Parenting?

Before I had a child, I had tons of preconceived notions about parenting.  I thought that my friends who already had children weren't very good parents.  I had all these plans and of course it was the perfect way to raise a child.  I was going to stick to my guns no matter what happened.  My child wasn't going to watch tv or eat junk food or ever step foot in McDonald's.  But then I was in college and TV worked as a distraction so I could get my work done and that went out the window.  Then grandparents, they aren't much help.  They sneak the kid junk food every time they are alone even after you've insisted over and over that said child isn't allowed to have it and when it feels like the whole world is against you, you just give up.  Then that Mc word.  Everyone knows it tastes delishious and it is even a little addicting.  Just seeing the golden arches can make you hungry.  So, I was pretty determined not to even give my little one a single taste of it.  But then there are those moments in parenthood where you are halfway through a three hour car ride, have five dollars to your name and a two year old in the backseat screaming how hungry he is.  Then that plan took a backseat to life.  See that's the problem...we make all these plans and really life isn't planned it just happens.  In fact life is happening all around us while we read/write this.  I'm quite certain that in this country we work and work to make a nice life but life doesn't stop to wait for us and by the time we get there...well life is almost over.  But back to my parenting plan.  I did have notions that I stuck to.  I promised my child wouldn't drink soda...and he's 4 and still never had soda.  I wanted to co-sleep, breastfeed and selectively vaccinate and all of those I've done.  I swore my son wouldn't be a three year old in pull-ups and I did potty train him by the time he was two.  I also promised myself he wouldn't have a bink(y) (pacifier) after he could walk and bink/y/bipy got packed up after he started walking.  I also didn't want to reinforce negative behavior and for the most part I'm pretty good at ignoring or disciplining the negative behavior instead of giving into it.
Then there are the things you don't really think about.  For example when your four year old is in the fitting room with you while you are trying on a new shirt and shouts out "I see your boobies, Mommy!"  Or when you are in a restroom going to the bathroom and you have an emergency have to poop incident, you wait until the bathroom clears and try to poop both as quickly and as quietly as possible and your little one screams "are you pooping, Mommy?"  You don't plan on them shouting "my penis is up" in the middle of their social activities.  And while we all know mommy kisses are magic and mommies make boo-boos all better with them.  We never count on our 2 year old dropping the toilet seat on his penis and asking mommy to kiss it better.  We don't plan for these things before we have children.  So when your 2 year old is crying in the store while you are trying to find clothes that fit and making a huge scene...and you bend down and quietly say "I love you crack-baby" and your two year old looks back up at you and screams "I love you too crack-mommy"...all you can really do is smile and laugh.
We all have these plans on what we're going to do and what great parents we're going to be.  And while we try to plan for what we can and handle what we can't plan for, life still happens.  It goes on and we have to roll with the punches and try to enjoy ourselves in the meantime.  There isn't any point in being embarrassed.  I'm sure I'm not the only mother to have my boobs or bathroom behaviors called out in public and I surely won't be the last.  In fact this is probably happening to some poor woman as I type this.  And all those things that I thought were poor parenting were really just survival, you have to pick your battles.  Find what's most important to you and stick to your guns and learn to let the other stuff slide.  Good luck Mamas!

Saturday, April 30, 2011

Grown-ups are secretly plotting to keep all the good stuff for themselves

I have very few distinct memories from my childhood.  This probably shouldn't be surprising as my childhood was fairly traumatic and in order to survive I blocked out most of it.  One particular thing that stands out in my pre-separation (before my mom left my dad) life is the Chinese food restaurant that we would eat at like all the time.  We went there so often that we had a regular waitress and sometimes her kids would come out of the kitchen to play with me or eat with us and color  (keep in mind these were Chinese people and it was the 80's).  I loved that place.  I don't recall any specific meals there for the most part.  I know at some point that I tried the spicy mustard after much insistence from my parents that it was hot and I wouldn't like it.  But who were they to tell me what I would and wouldn't like to eat...I wasn't a damn baby drinking formula...I had a very mature pallet after all.  Spicy mustard, it turned out was just too much for my 6 year old taste buds and I decided that while I wouldn't tell my parents they were right, THEY WERE RIGHT!  The time I do distinctly remember is when sometime after that my mom invited her friend and her friend's daughter (who was my best friend at the time) to join us for lunch or dinner at our favorite restaurant.  I was so excited to share this experience with my best friend.  So we are all gathered in our little booth sharing this exciting "ethnic" food when the waitress brings out the little "pallet" thing of sauces.  And my friend must have had similar thought patterns to me because she was instantly drawn to the bright yellow mustard.  It went something like this:
Friend:  Oooh I want that *points to mustard*
Friend's mom:  No, that's just for grown ups.
Friend:  I WANT IT!
Friend's mom:  It's not for children.
Me:  *seeing where this is going* trust me *insert friend's name* you don't want it, it's gross, you won't like it :)
Friend:  But I do want some...
My mom:  *insert my name* tried it, she is telling you the truth
Friend:  you are all LYING to me to trick me out of something good and have it ALL for yourselves!
Friend's mom:  really you don't want it, it's not for kids.
Friend:  *all out screaming, sobbing fit* I WANT IT I WANT IT I WANT IT!!!!  *laying in the floor kicking and screaming*  I WANT ITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!
Friend's mom:  OK
Friend:  *gets up instantly*   *takes heaping spoonful*  *face turns fire red*  *screaming ensues*  *I think she even spit fire*  *angrily*  YOU ALL TRICKED ME!

I only bring this up because the 4 year old woke up...yes it really is midnight here...demanding more food.  After debating with him he settled on bologna (fried) with ketchup.  I cook it, cut it and go to ketchup it.  I found a container on the counter of small packets of sauces and proceeded to grab a handful of red ones...luckily I read them before dumping them out on his plate...because when I did, they said "Taco Bell Fire Sauce"  That would have made for a memorable childhood moment.  And while I actually saved him from this traumatic experience, I'm sure he'll remember it as the grown-ups secretly plotting to keep all the good stuff for themselves.