Thursday, April 28, 2011

Easter is a big f***ing deal

I hate holidays.  I also have a need to do/be the opposite of what most people do/are.  And I know you are now thinking that this hatred of holidays stems from that need...and while you might be partially right...that is not the entire story.  I could go into the horrible story I have from each holiday in my childhood...but I'll spare you for now.  I'll just leave you with the one where I was about ten and my stepfather threatened to kill my father on Christmas...that was probably the most traumatic  (picture a 300lb 6+ feet tall man vs.  a 165lb 5' 8" dad).  Hell I'll throw in how my mother left my father on Mother's day when I was 9.  Just sum it up as bad things started happening in my life on holidays the year I turned 10.  So holidays were not only the start of my life spinning into an uncontrollable disaster but with each one it got worse. 

I said I hate holidays...and that is the rule but we all know there is an exception to every exception is EASTER.  I fucking love EASTER! 

It's like this...what other holiday do you get to make everything into rainbow fucking candy happiness.  You can block out all the horrible shit in your life with a basket full of candy rainbow happiness.  You can fill your entire shopping cart up with bags of candy, eggs, marshmallows, stuffed animals and no one even looks at you funny.  Then you boil some eggs and dye them all the colors of the rainbow.  The only thing that could make Easter better is a unicorn pooping rainbow eggs full of candy.  That's right a candy rainbow egg pooping unicorn with a rainbow mane.  If anyone knows where I can get one, please send me more information.

You're probably thinking "umm ok, great you love Easter...why the Hell would you waste my time blogging about it?"  or "So, if you love Easter so damn much...well then...what seems to be the problem?"

Well to answer your question...I take EASTER way too serious.  Here are a few examples:

Example:  normal people dye eggs red, blue, yellow and green (maybe purple)
Me:  I buy multiple boxes of food coloring and make every color the box has directions for and some of my own blends.  (if you love of the food coloring companies makes neon color dyes too!)

Example:  Normal people dye a dozen eggs
Me:  I dye at least TWO packs of 18 Eggs

Example:  Normal people buy a basket and a little candy for their kid
Me:  I buy two baskets and a giant k-mart bag size of candy that is filled to the top, not to mention some dvds, a book or two and some stuffed animals (stuffies)  (and that's just for me)

Example:  Normal people upon realizing what they were going to buy (for Easter) is sold out, think for a second and buy something different
Me:  I have a panic attack and go to every store in a 45 minute radius, sometimes returning to stores already visited with some crazy delusional idea that the item I am looking for has magically appeared on the once empty shelf.

Ok, so you get that EASTER is a big f***ing least in my house.

So now we complicate Easter by adding in the fact that I have a child.  I have to confess that every year since I was old enough to dye eggs until now, I have dyed Easter eggs.  I must also add that every year up until I had my son and maybe even a few after that the Easter Bunny brought me baskets of candy and goodies.  So now I have a legit reason to celebrate it's like a great rationalization for my insanity!  But now things are even more complicated by the fact that two years ago on My 6 year anniversary with my boyfriend...we got married on Easter Sunday. 

How does that complicate things you might ask?

Well here is the husband was raised by morons.  Yes total MORONS (p.s. don't tell my in-laws I said this) not to be confused with Mormons.  I don't think they are actually retarded but I think they are socially inept and didn't really do anything the correct way, again not to be confused with Mormons.  And I apologize if any of you were raised by morons (or even Mormons) and now think this is the appropriate way to celebrate Easter.  But for some reason his family dyes eggs the night before Easter so the Easter Bunny can hide the eggs?!?!?!  And then the Bunny leaves them some stuff (a little candy, pack of socks or something educational) in baskets they leave out?!?!?!

So we are at my family's house this Easter...and we are celebrating it the way it SHOULD be done (dyeing eggs on Easter and taking turns hiding them and finding them...and the Easter Bunny came while we were sleeping and brought some baskets with him and hid them in a random place for my son to find)...and Husband starts telling me what is supposed to be done next...I'm staring at him with something that resembles my "what the fuck face?" and I guess a look of general confusion....then I look at him and start the speech that goes like this: 
I hate every holiday except this one!  I played along when you wanted to play Santa at Christmas, put up a freaking Christmas tree and make me decorate it and when you wanted to do x, y and z at Halloween but this is my f***ing holiday.  Do NOT ruin the ONE holiday I enjoy...

Then husband shuts up...but not for long.  I guess I should explain that husband lives in another state because he was in law school and even though he just finished, he was offered a temporary job near his home in that state.  So I'm living at home with family while he tries to find a job where we can live together.  So with that out there, he then says "well can you make me some egg salad to take home?"

Ok...back to normal vs. me and how I take Easter too seriously
Normal people:  Eat Easter eggs
Me:  Saves Easter eggs until they rot because I become emotionally attached to said eggs...but but they are prettyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

After investing so much time with a crayon writing "son's name <3's family member's name" or "we <3 Easter Eggs" or "Happy Easter"  or "son's name, Easter 2011" and then selecting the perfect color for each one...I almost want to cry thinking about picking through them to decide which one to eat.  And I feel almost superstitious about breaking one's with things like our son's name or family member's names on them.  The thought of this sends me into a panic stricken terror filled falling on the floor and twitching attack while curled in the fetal position sucking on my thumb with glazed over eyes.

Eventually I will sacrifice the ugly eggs...the cracked ones, the ones made from the random colors I tried to concoct or the ugly dusty rose color that no matter how many times I do this, and see they turn out ugly, still insist on making.  But even those eggs deserve a day of fun...a day of hiding in the grass and feeling the sun on their skin, rather shells.

 So when husband suggests that we start cracking em open before the dye has even heart sinks...panic starts to consume me...and my dad just looks at my husband and starts laughing.  Then our 4 year old says "you want to break my eggs" and starts to cry too.  We spend about 20 minutes between the two of discussing which eggs mean the most to us before settling on three we are willing to sacrifice.  Husband should feel one ever got to eat my eggs before!

P.S.  I've mastered boiling the eggs to get the least amount of cracked eggs...this year the result was 0 cracked eggs.  Some people boil their eggs for something like 6 minutes or something...I put the eggs in a big pan filled with cold water...then I turn it on high and set a timer for 20 minutes...the eggs are always perfectly cooked and very few crack (just a tip for you fellow Easter <3ers.)

I have no clue what my point was other than I am probably certifiably crazy when it comes to Easter.  But maybe someone will actually read the whole thing and find something of redeemable quality...maybe just a tip on how to limit the cracked eggs you get...but that's something, right?

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