Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Something about Poop

So my 4 year is, what I would consider, Abnormally obsessed with poop.  We actually had a meltdown, fall on the ground, freak out over not seeing my poop recently.  I admit this is partially my fault. 

I guess I need to explain that I have IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) which is pretty miserable.  So, as you can imagine I have to make frequent bathroom trips and it's always in a hurry.  There is actually a lot of background information I should give you. 

My 4 year old has bilateral hydronephrosis (big word for kidneys that retain fluid) and is supposed to go pee every 2 hours.  This was a huge challenge for us because well he is a small child and if you've ever tried to "make" a small child do something they didn't want to do, you'd probably understand this a lot better. 

We started with "it's time to peepee"
then we'd try "why don't you just try?" 
Which was always responded to with "But I DON"T HAVE TO PEEPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" 
Then we'd say something like "Maybe you don't know you have to pee?" 
And he would say "ASDSAGWRAGERGERGERAWWWER PEEPEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"  followed by growling noises.

Well I shouldn't have to tell you this but in case you couldn't tell logic and reasoning were not working.  So we resorted to competition.  That's a great idea we have a, at that time 3 year old boy...and boys like sports right?  So came the invention of the peepee contest.  At first it was just to see who could pee the longest.  He'd go into the bathroom with mom or dad and we'd count (really slowly) the mississippi's while we peed and then say "I bet you can't pee longer...You can't beat that!"  and seriously what 3 year old isn't going to take on that challenge?  So he'd pee even when moments before we'd had the "I DON'T HAVE TO PEEPEEEEEEEEE!" fight and well of course we wanted him to win because if he lost it would have gone like this:  "I HATE THIS GAME, I'M NEVER PLAYIN IT AGIN!"  (storms off in a pouty fit of anger)  So we'd count really really fast and he'd always win.  Which turned into "I win, you guys are bad at this!" and this is where it began...I should have seen it coming.

It went from a simple competition of who could pee the longest to who could get to the bathroom first.  In an ordinary household this probably wouldn't have resulted in anything...but remember I have IBS.  So it began with an announcement:  I stand up "Mommy has to peepee."  3 year old stands up "I'll beat you!"  then the race begins.  The first couple times it was actually cute, he was peepeeing on his own and all I had to do was announce I was going pee every 2 hours.  This parenting thing is EASY (I even amaze myself, I am just that good)...jeeze what is everyone bitching about!  Then it took a turn for the worse.  My IBS was starting to act up...I look over to see what my 3 year is doing...I ask him "do you have to potty?"  He looks away from his WII game and says "no, I'm playing a game!"  I look at him again deciding whether to waste time on his attitude or just make a bee-line to the bathroom.  I double check to see how my stomach is feeling and realize it's about to be a 10 on some scale that measures how badly someone has to poop (we'll call the I have to poop scale because I don't have time right now to come up with something more unique or funny)  But to put it mildly there is about to be a chocolate pudding emergency in my pants if I don't start this point I'm mid-sprint out of the living room...when my 3 year old notices and asks "where are you going mommy?"  I yell "to the potty." I guess instinctively he sees my running as competition so he jumps up and screams "I'm going to beat you" as he knocks me over in the hallway.  I managed to make it to an upstairs bathroom right before explosive impact.  After a few more incidents of near poop "Chernobyl"s, I decided something must be done.  I couldn't avert disaster forever.  And this is where the poop obsession began.  I was in the middle of an explosive bathroom session and heard my son outside the door...I invited him in the bathroom to have a serious discussion. 
"You know how mommy says she has to potty and then you think it's a race?  And then mommy says it's cause her belly hurts...but you still think it's a race?" 
3 year old shakes head to indicate he understands what I am saying
"I know you don't understand how it feels and I don't want you to have to feel this bad ever but I do want you to know that when that happens mommy really really hurts and really really has to potty"
3 year old stands there with blank expression
Mommy finishes on potty, wipes and pulls up pants *genius idea strikes*
"See when mommy's poop looks like this *points to poop in potty*  (which just looks like strings of chocolate pudding exploded in the toilet)  it means her belly hurts and it's hard not to have an accident in her pants.  Do you understand?"
3 year old nods head yes

This worked great for a while until he started asking to see my poop all the first I was like umok...but then came the day when I flushed before he knew I pooped
almost 4 year old comes running into the bathroom "did you poop?"
Me:  yes
almost 4 year old:  Can I see it?
Me:  Um I flushed
Me:  umm
almost 4 year old:  *breaks down in sobbing fit, falling on the floor*
Me:  sorry?
almost 4 year old:  *still sobbing, coiled up in fetal position on the floor and twitching*
Me:  umm actually I didn't poop this time, I was JUST PLAYING!  LOL
almost 4 year old:  *still twitching* you didn't?
Me:  Nope, it was just a silly joke
*crisis averted*

Which brings me back to where I was starting...
Today I was having an IBS issue, raced to the bathroom when 4 year old decides as I am using the potty that he now in fact has to pee...le've got to be kidding me.  Now this isn't the first time this has happened and it won't be the last.  So it goes:
4 year old:  But I have to pee, mommy!
Me:  I'm almost done, just give me a minute
4 year old:  *angry*  I don't have to pee anymore!  I'm just going to sit in the sink *climbs up into sink*
Me:  Get down, I'm wiping right now.
4 year old:  No!  I don't have to pee ANYMORE!
Me:  yes you do, it doesn't just go away like that.
4 year old:  I DO NOT!
Me:  *trying not to get too annoyed*  Yes you do, your Kidneys are going to be angry if you don't...they might EXPLODE!
4 year old:  *still pouting in sink*  *possibly stuck*
Me:  *pulls up pants* *genius idea strikes* hey do you want to see my poop?
4 year old:  YES!!!!!!!!! *all excited*
Me:  *picks 4 year old out of the sink* 
4 year old:  oohh POOP *then he pees*

I'm a genius and my 4 year old is obsessed with poop...and it's probably all my fault

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